I always knew that i would suffer from something, and that something turned out to be depression. A serious case that developed a year and a half ago when my grandad died from cancer.
Since then i have often had suicidal thoughts and have woken up and spent a week just wishing i was dead. I have spent days on end crying into my pillow wishing that people liked me and that i wasn’t an easy target
Talking to Matt last night made me realise how much i would be missed if i did kill myself, his words being ‘you have family and friends who would miss you and me who wouldn’t know what to do if you killed yourself’ it opened my eyes to realising that i do have people who care and that means i can hopefully move one step closer to overcoming the worst of it.
It wont be gone forever, but it can always be put to the back of my mind and hopefully left alone. I have overcome a lot over the past couple months and being around someone that i know loves me has helped. I now know im not alone in this i just need to believe that
I haven’t been able to blog in ages because my dad thought taking away all my stuff was a smart move, obviously it wasn’t and then to make matters worse I was stuck in a children’s outpatients unit all afternoon and then found out my bones are wearing away because of some bone disease, thanks to that I now can’t do sport.
But I’m so happy I just get to spends as much time as I can with matt as soon a he gets back from camp, I’ve missed him so much. Three whole days with him to myself (his words not mine). Only 1month left of school, thank The Lord
First day back at school was so boring, all I seem to get is: “how’s matt?” or “have you got braces” and “”OMG you have a haircut, right?” like what does it matter, from now on I am a changed person, no long hair making me the most self concious person alive and a new start to getting better teeth, but best of all I finally realised today that I truly do love Matt, and I know I say it a lot to him and I kinda mean it, but today it was different, today I realised that I really do have strong feelings for him and love him with all my heart.
I feel changed and happy because I started a new beginning. New Me. New Outlook on life…………..
After a night of constant texting until about 1am I have realised that I love having the ability to talk to someone without them getting bored or leaving the conversation, and after spending time with Matt round the park has definitely made me realise how lucky I really am to have him. I mean just watching him smile and mess around with me was enough to make the world just seem a happier place. I love having a public relationship, and it makes me happy knowing that he is not ashamed of us.
Oh my life right now is perfect…. <3
It’s all sorted now matt has apologised for his misunderstanding and now we are happy again. I finally DTR’d (define the relationship) and its official that we are back together, things are looking up :)
Oh I love my life right now
Even though I’m having a tough time dealing with my boyfriend and stuff i managed to channel all my thoughts into shopping…oh Primark you rock my world.
Who says money can’t buy you happiness?
It seems as though no day can be really shitty, but it turns out it can. My day started out fine, until about 11 o’clock when a girls worst enemy starts…her period. Then the next thing you know my mum made me do the cleaning, you know what kind of girl should do that, no girl and then my boyfriend doesn’t talk to me for two days straight and when he does he puts ‘we need to talk…’
Sometimes I as a teenager want to die